She is in my trunk
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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