whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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