I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
