he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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