Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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