I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Life is so much better after having sex.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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