God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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