I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
