everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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