No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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