I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
