I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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