he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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