I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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