she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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