He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
