I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
