Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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