You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
