i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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