Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
