I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
