Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
