Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
