dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
