we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I am naked and annoyed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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