did you get engaged???
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
