im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
