Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
