I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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