If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
