Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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