Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
