i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Vodka?
Forever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
