dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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