Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
