how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
