I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
A+ Viking dick
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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