I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
