I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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