He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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