Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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