May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I need water and some morals
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
