Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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