last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
