Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
