do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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