There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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