is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
