just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
