and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
