Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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