you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
