this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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