Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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