i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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