And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
