No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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