She is in my trunk
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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