I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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