those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
