Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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