i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
