Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
