A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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