Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
50% drunk capacity currently
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
