Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
