I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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