My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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