So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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